Mavery's Jinhua-Tuesdays Visit

I expected today to be emotional and hard, but I never could have prepared my heart for exactly what I would go through today, much less what Mavery would go through. I think what I expected was to be so moved by being in an orphanage and the kids waiting, I had not given much thought to the fact that I would be able to get a glimpse into the life that Mavery had for the last almost 3 years. I want a re-do in so many ways, I want to go back, I want to ask more, look more, hear more, though I am not sure I could feel any more. All I could do was cry from the moment we pulled up. Let me go back..

I was nervous of the bus ride. 2 1/2 hours, and remember I get a little car sick at times, and the thought of China driving for 2 1/2 hours had me nervous. Though I knew I was being prayed for in that specific area so I got in the van and we headed out. We asked if we could stop and get snacks to take to the kids at the orphanage and we made a quick dash into carefour. (think walmart) Not that a thing in walmart is quick. We did a potty break on the way out, and I am going to a potty post all on it's own because it is just to funny not to.

I have to say the drive was fine as far as traffic. It is the first roads I have been on in China with out alot of cars, so that in itself was a true gift. The bad thing is we are in a van that is in need of new shocks or something, it is not a smooth ride by any means. And have I mentioned that Mavery is heavy and dead weight? And the van is not a big roomy van so she is sleeping on me, which I am trying to be all sentimental and enjoy, which I AM, but my behind is numb, my legs are numb and I cant' move at all. Thankfully we did take a break in there, more squatty pottys, and a chance to stretch and we were back on our way. Let me throw in that remember, Mavery did well at breakfast, she pushed Emma away and WANTED to sit on my lap, so I am thinking we are doing a little better. Sigh...

We pull up to the SWI (Social Welfare Institue=Orphanage) and it is gated, so we pull in and get out and he says we have to wait for the director. Emma is bouncing around and ready to jump on the elevator, you can tell she knows this place. Mavery is pointing to the playground etc.. A few minutes later the director walks in, which is a woman. Mavery starts laughing and screaming and throws herself in her arms. Her face lights up like I had not seen and I lost it. She is yelling a name at her, which is the same word we had heard the day before, so she obviously knows this woman and loves her very much. Being the director I did not think she had much contact with the children, but that is wrong. Mavery knows her for sure. So we get in the elevator to go upstairs, and she is done with me. She is back to pushing me away, and giving me "the look". We get out and she runs straight down the hall to where the kids and nannies are and she is laughing and jumping and the nannies are yelling SongSong and kissing her and I thought my heart was going to break into a million tiny pieces. These are not just nannies to her, these have been her mothers, each and every one of them. Not in the sense that I will eventually get to be her mother, but I believe they loved her deeply. This is all she has known for the last almost 3 years.

We spent a long time in the main room, which they said is where the children do plays etc. Mavery ran right to her seat, which is next to Benjamin and she was teasing him, playing. This is NOT the same girl we met yesterday, nor is it even what I imagined her to be like. I did not see a timid shy little girl, but someone that is comfortable with her friends, has an ornery streak likes to tease, and loves to be loved on.

The nannies kept holding her and having her say something to me in Chinese. I have no idea what she was saying, but I know Mama was coming out, which was not helping the tears, to hear her saying Mama. Though she does not know what she is saying, just to hear her voice say mama, it melts you.

We left this room so they could show us around and they told SongSong to lead us. Which she happily did. She ran straight to her room and her bed and was yelling all kinds of things which I assume were probably things like, this bed is not so bad, better than that smoky hotel room you have stuck me in! Just being there, and touching her crib, knowing that this is the place she has slept in with out me for so long. It was not a big room, just 4 cribs and it looked like a few beds for the nannies. We also saw where they eat and the playroom. They gave Mavery water out of a bowl to drink, which was funny, but obviously how they do it. Everything looked very clean to me. Bare, but clean.

I think others who have gone have seen much more, but this is the only area we saw. I think typically they feed you at the SWI, but they said we were late, and to be honest, I am not sure I could have sat through lunch there. I could not stop my tears and the thought of having to sit through lunch with them, though I wanted to, I physically could not do it.

Our guide said it was time to go and so I go to grab Mavery and she starts SCREAMING and fighting me with everything in her. The nannies are all yelling bye songsong, bye and she is screaming and I am bawling and it was horrible. The whole way down in the elevator I am just trying to hold her and calm her and she is so upset. We get out and she sees the director and goes running right back to her. She picks her up and is gets her calm and then I try to get her on the bus, which is not happening. So the shorter man, who is the one who does all the paperwork, takes her and gets in the bus and she sits on his lap just fine. I have to add, she seemed to love everyone, but she REALLY loves him. She sees his pictures and just lights up and so I assumed he was staying in the van and I knew this was a good thing. Except for the fact that I can not stop crying and I know he is thinking that poor song song is stuck w/ a crazy woman for a mama. I honestly was to that point where I wanted to just do the sobbing, hiccuping, embarrassing cry but I am trying to hold it in and the whole time I am thinking, all my friends home are sound asleep so they can't even be praying me through this! Just typing this I am bawling and thankful Mavery is asleep so I don't scare her! I know she must surely think her mamas eyes ever stop leaking!

So we start driving and our guide tells us we are going to KFC and will eat lunch at the police station while they apply for the girls passports. They apologize that they can't take us for chinese lunch but we missed lunch time. KFC is fine with us. Mavery did let me take her potty in KFC, but ran right back to the director once we were back. Again back in the van and to the police station.

So we eat, and get passport stuff done which takes forever. But it was good. She was letting us back in a little with the food, playing etc... We were getting smiles and giggles which I think is on the video. Which had me bawling all over again because I just think that is when it all hit me that we have taken her from all she knows but she is now ours forever and that thought just takes my breath away.

She spends alot of time playing with director (I sure wish I knew his name, I will find that out) and just to see their relationship, was so touching. There was no doubt in my mind that he loved her. You could just see it in his face. I went to our guide and told him that I could see he truly loved the children. And he said, well he is an orphan to, he grew up there his whole life, and now he helps the children. Oh my gosh. As if my heart could break ANY more.

Soon it is time to go, and we say goodbye to Mr Director. He says (through our guide, speaks no english at all) you must bring her back in 10 years so we can see her again. He hugs her and kisses her and we get on. My tears are flowing, my heart is aching, but Mavery actually is doing ok. She gets on with us. And was AMAZING on the ride home. She was teasing Ming Ming, and joking and HILARIOUS. I laughed and cried so much just seeing her little personality shine through.

One interesting thing to note is that Emma was very different than Mavery at the SWI. She was much more standoffish there. It was if she was saying, this is my family, I am staying with them and had already made her peace with it. I know I have heard that from others adopting older children.

So many things I wanted to ask them, so many things I wish I could have said to them. I could never convey my gratitude for loving my sweet girl for me. Someone had told me that it seemed like they were one big family there, and that is very true. My heart hurts so much for Mavery right now. To be taken from all you know, everyone that has loved you so deeply for so long. To see that up close and to know that she was loved just as much as we prayed she would be, there are just no words.

Things are so different than with Sage. We assumed that Sage was in a good place, and I think she was. But we were so far removed from it. We went in a room, we were handed a baby that did not cry, and our life was exactly as we planned.

I know that many have had children who grieved hard. My cousins daughter did, as well as Kathys and I know many others have. To experience that, and then to see where she lived and WHY she grieves, I just can't shake it. But in many ways, I hope that I never do. I pray that I will always be softened to this for her, what she has gone through. I pray that God will never let me forget, what I felt today and what I saw today.

This does not even begin to talk about the children, the sweet sweet children that wait.